Apologies and something else …

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Erich Segal once wrote ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ yet, time and again, we keep apologizing to a loved one, for doing something stupid (that’s the term they use to describe emotions, now you should’ve known that already). I wish for Utopia (yes, I know that you know it already) where I could be me and you could be you and we could be together and watch the pink sky turn grey, walk the creek till the dawn breaks and throw nose clips from my balcony to let you know that I was up there. Fortunately (not!) we have watched the sky, never knew we’d watch it turn black, pitch black like the pullover you wore back in the days, when the sky was still a deep rose pink. Oh! I forget, you live in a real world, where each sunset is followed by a sunrise. And you forget, that I live in the reel world, where I pin your face to the moon and he follows me (it so does in the real world, too) to where ever Life leads … I wonder if the moon is following me? or am I chasing him? And this is where the whole confusion starts! Sitting on that secluded beach, a place where you walked before, I tried retracing my steps, hoping that they’d lead me to you, subconsciously, tracing them to my mistakes, the confusion evaporating, cruelty settling in (I see a cloud in the distance and as it pours over the Arabian Sea, I cry, hoping the wind drowns my howl, which starts as the rains hit the plastic roof ). A debate here a debate there, through my tears I try to reason; why Jay and Meera make a great love story, why I want to retract my steps to 200X and never let go of your hand. I feel cheated, by you, for not letting me on the happenings. Even though I could clearly see inside of you, I wish, oh! how I wish, you had the courage to tell me things, to my face. In my ear. On an email. I feel angry, yes, with you, for not being able to communicate. And with me, for not understanding, the man you were and will be in the future. Oh! I don’t, still. I do. I just don’t understand why you are so rigid? So unforgiving? Get over yourself Preppie. I’m not sorry for; trying to keep us together, to make you fight for me, or to tell you that I’ll always love you and not just be in love with you…

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From Bombay … With Love

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They say Bombay is always a bustling city… no time to sleep, no time to eat, no time. Period. People are always running about … from point A to point B. I differ.

Just one sec. If you are reading this to know about the origin of Bombay or which galli has the best chaat food, where to shop from, blah blah bluh, then i’d request you to kindly kalti marofy, if you so may kindly oblige. Thank you!

Right moving on …

So, I differ. Bombay is not a bustling city! please! It’s THE BUSTLE! Not the frame to support and expand the fullness of the back of a woman’s skirt rather the noisy, full of excitement bustle. Yes, its so loud that your ear drums may go dhum dhum as does my Nephew. Ofcourse there less noisy places and if you, like yours truly, love the shaanti and would like to get rid of the jikh-jikh then you may read on …

The first place I love to visit is no doubt the Gateway of India. Truly a landmark, marking everything that followed during the Raj. 

Leaning on the wall, watching the waves slapping the wall, at times rising above the wall… listening to the birds chirping, vendors pursuing tourists and natives, alike, to take portrait pictures with the Gateway in the background. I turn around and watch people passing. Some Goras cover the distance from The Taj to the Gateway in a Horse-drawn tonga. I’m not sure if they are thinking it was a good thing that they left, or are they regretting that the Aam Janta has learnt much more that they hoped for?

With the thought still in my head, I turn to the Buddha, well I mean the music of Buddha Bar available at The Rhythm House. The one place where you can get any kind of music, be it classical, neo-classical or the latest hip-hop. Pure relaxation.

<I may continue this post some other day, for now, Sidney Bechet has started playing, and attention must be paid!>

There will always be a Choice!

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{Dedicated to all my girls}

20 something and still contemplating tying the knot … my two options – to get married or not.

As some of you may gulp and think of how sad life might be and the absolute possibility of me living alone, dying alone, no one knowing what happened, till my corpse would be discovered – a week later (lets make it a month!); I beg to differ.

Who said a women has to get married, raise kids, make them study, wash tea cups and wash smelly socks? Or is it that only I have graduated to the 21st century?

I think (atleast assume) that single life will be great! I will tour the world, sun bathe in Barbados, shop at Lafayette, eat French Macarons, maybe even meet Mandela. Who knows, life is always full of surprises. I could always turn Jolie and adopt kids or have my own (dont exactly need a man, now do I?)

On the other hand, I think I would (atleast assume) love to wash tea cups, chase my kids around the backyard, teach them how to take care of their dog, bake for my hubby, and have a family holiday in Bahamas… Oh well, maybe just go down the road to Safa Park.

Oh! How I hate Choices!! Why do we have to choose to be miserable and feel happy about it or be happy and feel miserable about it?

I guess our Choices are what we become…

Many a times, we wish for the things we never had and maybe never will… and in all this wishful thinking, we forget to celebrate what we have. For Tomorrow will come and so will it’s best friend – Worry. We do not control them or Time… but what we do control is our reaction, our choices, yes, there will always be a choice … so, I guess, I will choose what I want when Tomorrow comes … not gonna blame my past situations for the choices I made then … it wasn’t the circumstances that made us … it was the choices we made…

I’m not the type to leave a quote at the end of my message, but since there was no video cool enough … here are some words of wisdom… courtesy Osho

Rejoice now ,
because if there is tomorrow,
you will be able to rejoice more deeply.
If there is no tomorrow, who cares!
We have rejoiced already!

XOXO

 

The Birthday that Was …

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On my birthday 15 years ago, I had a very Aunty-Uncle type party. Not that I didn’t invite my peers. But it was that time of the day when the peers were sent to their respective homes, so that my Mum could bring out more food and Dad, well, we are all grown up now, so im just gonna say – the drinks. So everyone at that party was older to me – about 25 years. But these were nice folks, so they all wished me Happy Birthday and handed over a sealed envelope to me, which would ultimately land up in my Mum’s hand, still sealed. However, where there are rules, there always are exceptions. And there he was; standing 6 ft something, looked quizzically at me, turned to my Dad and said; “You know V, my brother’s wife’s sister’s son is 27. And you know how many qualifications he has? Seven. And he’s only 27. So Alice, do you think that by 27 you will have 7 qualifications?” Did I mention I was only 12? My Dad, being a Dad was ofcourse proud for his friend’s blah blah blah’s blah and his blah qualifications. But I wondered and yes, kinda started planning my life till 27…… after all, I am the perfect daughter and if anyone had to give an example of being the perfect daughter, it had to be mine.

It’s so funny where life takes us, right?  The journey, the destination, are all altered somewhere along the long winding road.

And just like that, this 30 Jan 2012, I wondered, sitting at the Airport again. Is the journey more important than the destination? I havent achieved the seven qualifications that the blah blah had achieved. But according to another Auntie, I have over achieved. And maybe thats why I’m so miserable, coz I have filled my life with work and books. “Bullshit”; says my Mum. “You have done what every smart person has and will do. We have given you such a strong base on which you can build your life’s multi storey tower – steadily and strongly . Yes, they have; no doubt. And I have always loved them for that and much more. So as I sat weighting my success in the 15 years that have passed, I asked Life if it was still willing to chick-cheque-shock me. The Wicked Witch replied saying; “As long as you need to learn something, I will continue altering your GPS. But if you think you don’t need to learn anything, or that you haven’t learnt anything from the past, then, in that case you don’t need me”. With Life threatening to leave me like that, esp on our 27th anniversary, I was forced to think of all Life’s Lessons.  I realized that I have learnt to let go of my ego, become a better person, come a long way with certain strangers who have become family now. I have learnt to be a better daughter/friend/mentor,learnt to shop on my own (it did come realllyyy late in my life, but better late than never), learnt swimming, snorkeling, learnt to love kids (well, just my nephew really), learnt to travel alone, learnt to care for the sick, learnt that no matter which guy leaves my life, my girl friends will always stay on. I learnt that the high tidal waves can be mesmerizing to watch, but if I stay long, the Sea Prince will wrap me in his arms and try to take me to his Water Palace. More importantly, I learnt that success is not measured by the direct proportion of the qualifications you achieved and your age, rather success is measured by the family you have made, it is measured by the 3d-ness of each and every foto with your friends, it is measured by how much you can give to everyone around you, without expecting anything in return. I wont boast (yeaaa I’m a modest monster) but I am glad to have inspired all the people who I have managed to, whether it was to take a break, work hard, work smart or just plain simple as to try different food. So turns out, I have measured my success at 27 and I’m more successful than the then 27 year old with 7 qualifications.

With that thought in mind, I walked back to the parking lot, as it was time to be at my birthday party, for which the only planning I did, was to set a reminder to sent out an e-invite!

The Wind and the Leaf

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It was a chilly new moon night as I sat in doors wrapped in a blanket; funny thing – I left the balcony door open. But then I always loved staring at the winter night sky, without leaving the comfort of my couch. As I stared into the darkness, I wondered what was so different about this night? It felt like any other, yet I felt the presence of Change around me. Maybe it wasn’t the night that was different. Maybe it was me. But then I had followed my daily schedule – corn flakes and milk while reading a book. As I watched the Wind ruffle the leaves of my new Mogra plant; I thought I heard something. Were the leaves whispering something? I decided to cross the threshold to hear better. As the cold breeze hit my formerly warm skin, I heard the leaves say to me, “We leaves sit under the Sun all day long, turn anew all week long. And as the first star is visible in the night sky, we slowly retire, just so that we can sit under the Sun all day long. But when the Wind comes, as silently as she does, we wake up and let her play with us. We dance and whirl and let the Wind sing her melodious song. She is silent, for she is sad. She never tells us her story and we never ask. Maybe that’s what friends do. They know and therefore, they are always there.”

I wish I could say I had no idea why the leaves were telling me their story, but then sadly I did. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by friends who coax me into stepping off the comfy couch, getting out of my comfy pjs and heading out to a place where a party needs to get started. Today was no different, though it was different from last night, but well, I do step out on my own sometimes! 😛

So I get off the couch, switch off my mp3 player, replaced pjs with pants and the blanket with an overcoat and headed out to The Tea Shop. Unfortunately, as the Wind changes direction, I did too. Hey! the car needed a wash alright. Well, ask me again, why I didn’t land up at the intended destination and I’d say, maybe just like the Wind, I was sad and wanted to be silent about it. Or maybe I wasn’t meant to be there. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe I didn’t want to be there. No, I did want to. I did want to be there. So I head back. Retraced my steps only to realize that I had arrived a tad bit late – by an hour. And since there was nothing else to do that one night at the gas station, I got my car washed.

Love Aajkal

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They say that as you grow older, you start losing your hair, teeth, old friends, maybe gain a few new, younger friends, if you are rich enough. But never did I realize, that you lose your feelings too. (No, no, I’m not talking about loose feelings … it’s lose feelings … as in lost :P)

Any ways, so Im not implying that you become cold hearted, or maybe if you are an 80 year old who refuses his granddaughter his coin collection, then you might just be cold hearted enough. But what I really mean to say is that you become Chuck Bass types, as you grow older (I know! He’s oh! SO HOT!) i.e. you dont feel a thing. Maybe jumping from a building, crashing your bike on a long winding road or hiring people to hurt you and stop at nothing, might make you feel the pain that you wanted, but is the pain enough? Is it this endless pain that will help you feel what you want to feel? Is it the overpowering feeling of self loathing that will help you forget the mistakes of the yester-years?

Or is it that you forget the mistakes of the first date when he sends you a text the next morning, just to say … G’morning? Oh, yes, I did partially burn the clothes i wore that day. Partially because the fire alarm went off and i had to drown them in the sink immediately. Thanks for asking btw 🙂

Why is it that you suddenly start getting butterflies in your stomach when you meet that TDH man for the gazillionth time? Why is it that we can endure all the pain and sadness that the world shoves our way, without breaking down? But we cannot hold overselves together when that oh! so unimportant person glances our way or sends us a ‘hello’ text or two?

Are we truly turning into a new breed of humans in relationships? If not, then why we cannot gather the courage and sincerity to be bonded in a committed relationship? Why is it that what was good for our fathers and our forefathers is no good for us today? Why doesn’t Love at First Sight exist anymore? Why doesn’t the guy love the girl, who is standing in front of him and asking him to love her? When did all this get so complicated?

Maybe it always was. Maybe we anrt a new breed. Just the old one and a tad bit cold hearted. Or maybe more practical. Cause after all, we all have grow up, grow older, grown out. Oh! grown soo out of love. Love – seems like a feeling/expression/intoxication so extinct that it lives only in children’s fairy-tales now.

So maybe this is me asking, yes, for my fairy-tale and this is me wanting every bit of it. I don’t want no pain no more. I don’t want to take a bullet though my heart no more. I don’t want to live in a world without love no more. Even though, it means living in a children’s book, for the rest of my life. Atleast this way, instead of running around town like a headless chicken, trying to find my Mr. Right, I know I will find my Beast and live happily ever after…

THE END

Number 1 is not a lonely number … Its Numero Uno

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Of all the times we rode the pack

I would look back

to this day when I sit on my sack

and think about the things my life lacks

 

So I thought and thought till i could think no more

And for the benefit of the days in the future

I decided to put pen to paper

Yes, I did put pen to paper first :p

 

So here it is, my fellow travelers down the ‘I come home to an empty house’ lane,  the advice from not so wise but remotely experienced. Be it holidays, a long weekend or two whole years, stick to the numbers below and you will never be the lonely number again:

1. Don’t think you are alone. Sounds lame, I know! And if you find a better way, let me know!

2. Go all out with the food. Make those cookies that you always wanted to bake. Make those yummy chakris on Diwali day and the best part ~ you get to eat them too!

3. Decorate the house, light those scented candles, put out those lights, bring out the rangoli colors. Emblazon your life!

4. If you are lazy to do #2 and #3, then go crash at your friend’s place. I’m sure there is always some extra food around during festivals/long weekend and if you do make it a habit, over two years, I’m sure they will always have a place for you at the table.

5. If all your friends are out-of-town, or if that’s what they tell you, then go crash your neighbour’s house! oh do not forget the box of sweets! who can resist free sweets? esp. if they are Sindhi! 😉

6. Go watch movies, at least 6 of them. And if they are anywhere as awesome as The Adventures of TinTin and Johnny English, you’ll have a legendary time at the Cinema!

7. Go for the longest ride, be it a road trip, a bus trip, a metro ride, but not a cab ride; for obvious reasons.

8. Get your passport a nice passport holder from Accesorize and go to your nearest airport and ask for the next flight out of Dubai. doesnt matter if you don’t have a visa for that country or you don’t have the money to support your impulsive compulsive decision, but it will be a great story to tell your friends when they return from Timbuktu (it is a real place btw)

9. If nothing else works, come home! We will pull up the foot rest, watch HIMYM and sip hot cocoa with marshmallows 🙂

10. Forget about everything I just said or rather you read! You’re awesome! Just like Barney! So go spread some of that awesomeness in a third world country! 😀

So my fellow travelers down the ‘I come home to an empty house’ lane, no matter what the situation is, there is always a way to spice/ease/live things. Dont let the memories of your -1’s haunt you, rather use their absence as an excuse to emblazon the situation with +1’s and still counting!

Happy Holidays! 🙂

P.S. You can always replace the cocoa if things get worse, or even if they don’t. Ah, replace it anyways! Sleep will come better … even without your arms wrapped around my soul… they’ll never know … 😉

*To being Awesome*