Category Archives: Confucius’s Confusion

De rerum natura

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“And that’s the nature of things”. I remember my Dad saying this to me on two occasions and I wish to never forget how it rang a bell; multiple bells; when he said it. It’s like a tube light that went on inside my head.

De rerum natura

We are always so consumed by our own thoughts of what is right, not right, what is and isnt. What should be and should not be. We forget a simple rule. No fingers are alike. Yet, when we look for companionship or friendship, we first always assess common grounds. Unfamiliar territories are mostly never explored, or ventured into unwilling.

I pause to think about it. make a mental note to remember to never forget it and not blow my lid every time. With peace made with thyself, I continue to do my yoga… And then I feel the more yoga I do, the more angrier I get. It’s good, because then Im angry with me, for not trying to accept people as they are… Accept Things as it is… Accept fate, accept destiny. Accept and not fight it. By then class is over. What I do take back home is a happier me, thankful for the wisdom, thankful for parents such as mine, only to return the next day, with the same dilemma.

Why can’t people be more like me? Why can’t things be the way I want them to be?

Yes, The most fun I’ve had is with people who are exact opposite to me, at times and in situations which were beyond my control (I’m a very controlling person!). I do blow up my lid every now and then when I didn’t get what I wanted or when people didn’t behave/ react the way I wanted them to. I try and remember what my dad said, “and that’s the nature of things”.

And then I secretly wish my Dad never told me that…

The Birthday that Was …

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On my birthday 15 years ago, I had a very Aunty-Uncle type party. Not that I didn’t invite my peers. But it was that time of the day when the peers were sent to their respective homes, so that my Mum could bring out more food and Dad, well, we are all grown up now, so im just gonna say – the drinks. So everyone at that party was older to me – about 25 years. But these were nice folks, so they all wished me Happy Birthday and handed over a sealed envelope to me, which would ultimately land up in my Mum’s hand, still sealed. However, where there are rules, there always are exceptions. And there he was; standing 6 ft something, looked quizzically at me, turned to my Dad and said; “You know V, my brother’s wife’s sister’s son is 27. And you know how many qualifications he has? Seven. And he’s only 27. So Alice, do you think that by 27 you will have 7 qualifications?” Did I mention I was only 12? My Dad, being a Dad was ofcourse proud for his friend’s blah blah blah’s blah and his blah qualifications. But I wondered and yes, kinda started planning my life till 27…… after all, I am the perfect daughter and if anyone had to give an example of being the perfect daughter, it had to be mine.

It’s so funny where life takes us, right?  The journey, the destination, are all altered somewhere along the long winding road.

And just like that, this 30 Jan 2012, I wondered, sitting at the Airport again. Is the journey more important than the destination? I havent achieved the seven qualifications that the blah blah had achieved. But according to another Auntie, I have over achieved. And maybe thats why I’m so miserable, coz I have filled my life with work and books. “Bullshit”; says my Mum. “You have done what every smart person has and will do. We have given you such a strong base on which you can build your life’s multi storey tower – steadily and strongly . Yes, they have; no doubt. And I have always loved them for that and much more. So as I sat weighting my success in the 15 years that have passed, I asked Life if it was still willing to chick-cheque-shock me. The Wicked Witch replied saying; “As long as you need to learn something, I will continue altering your GPS. But if you think you don’t need to learn anything, or that you haven’t learnt anything from the past, then, in that case you don’t need me”. With Life threatening to leave me like that, esp on our 27th anniversary, I was forced to think of all Life’s Lessons.  I realized that I have learnt to let go of my ego, become a better person, come a long way with certain strangers who have become family now. I have learnt to be a better daughter/friend/mentor,learnt to shop on my own (it did come realllyyy late in my life, but better late than never), learnt swimming, snorkeling, learnt to love kids (well, just my nephew really), learnt to travel alone, learnt to care for the sick, learnt that no matter which guy leaves my life, my girl friends will always stay on. I learnt that the high tidal waves can be mesmerizing to watch, but if I stay long, the Sea Prince will wrap me in his arms and try to take me to his Water Palace. More importantly, I learnt that success is not measured by the direct proportion of the qualifications you achieved and your age, rather success is measured by the family you have made, it is measured by the 3d-ness of each and every foto with your friends, it is measured by how much you can give to everyone around you, without expecting anything in return. I wont boast (yeaaa I’m a modest monster) but I am glad to have inspired all the people who I have managed to, whether it was to take a break, work hard, work smart or just plain simple as to try different food. So turns out, I have measured my success at 27 and I’m more successful than the then 27 year old with 7 qualifications.

With that thought in mind, I walked back to the parking lot, as it was time to be at my birthday party, for which the only planning I did, was to set a reminder to sent out an e-invite!

The Wind and the Leaf

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It was a chilly new moon night as I sat in doors wrapped in a blanket; funny thing – I left the balcony door open. But then I always loved staring at the winter night sky, without leaving the comfort of my couch. As I stared into the darkness, I wondered what was so different about this night? It felt like any other, yet I felt the presence of Change around me. Maybe it wasn’t the night that was different. Maybe it was me. But then I had followed my daily schedule – corn flakes and milk while reading a book. As I watched the Wind ruffle the leaves of my new Mogra plant; I thought I heard something. Were the leaves whispering something? I decided to cross the threshold to hear better. As the cold breeze hit my formerly warm skin, I heard the leaves say to me, “We leaves sit under the Sun all day long, turn anew all week long. And as the first star is visible in the night sky, we slowly retire, just so that we can sit under the Sun all day long. But when the Wind comes, as silently as she does, we wake up and let her play with us. We dance and whirl and let the Wind sing her melodious song. She is silent, for she is sad. She never tells us her story and we never ask. Maybe that’s what friends do. They know and therefore, they are always there.”

I wish I could say I had no idea why the leaves were telling me their story, but then sadly I did. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by friends who coax me into stepping off the comfy couch, getting out of my comfy pjs and heading out to a place where a party needs to get started. Today was no different, though it was different from last night, but well, I do step out on my own sometimes! 😛

So I get off the couch, switch off my mp3 player, replaced pjs with pants and the blanket with an overcoat and headed out to The Tea Shop. Unfortunately, as the Wind changes direction, I did too. Hey! the car needed a wash alright. Well, ask me again, why I didn’t land up at the intended destination and I’d say, maybe just like the Wind, I was sad and wanted to be silent about it. Or maybe I wasn’t meant to be there. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe I didn’t want to be there. No, I did want to. I did want to be there. So I head back. Retraced my steps only to realize that I had arrived a tad bit late – by an hour. And since there was nothing else to do that one night at the gas station, I got my car washed.

Love Aajkal

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They say that as you grow older, you start losing your hair, teeth, old friends, maybe gain a few new, younger friends, if you are rich enough. But never did I realize, that you lose your feelings too. (No, no, I’m not talking about loose feelings … it’s lose feelings … as in lost :P)

Any ways, so Im not implying that you become cold hearted, or maybe if you are an 80 year old who refuses his granddaughter his coin collection, then you might just be cold hearted enough. But what I really mean to say is that you become Chuck Bass types, as you grow older (I know! He’s oh! SO HOT!) i.e. you dont feel a thing. Maybe jumping from a building, crashing your bike on a long winding road or hiring people to hurt you and stop at nothing, might make you feel the pain that you wanted, but is the pain enough? Is it this endless pain that will help you feel what you want to feel? Is it the overpowering feeling of self loathing that will help you forget the mistakes of the yester-years?

Or is it that you forget the mistakes of the first date when he sends you a text the next morning, just to say … G’morning? Oh, yes, I did partially burn the clothes i wore that day. Partially because the fire alarm went off and i had to drown them in the sink immediately. Thanks for asking btw 🙂

Why is it that you suddenly start getting butterflies in your stomach when you meet that TDH man for the gazillionth time? Why is it that we can endure all the pain and sadness that the world shoves our way, without breaking down? But we cannot hold overselves together when that oh! so unimportant person glances our way or sends us a ‘hello’ text or two?

Are we truly turning into a new breed of humans in relationships? If not, then why we cannot gather the courage and sincerity to be bonded in a committed relationship? Why is it that what was good for our fathers and our forefathers is no good for us today? Why doesn’t Love at First Sight exist anymore? Why doesn’t the guy love the girl, who is standing in front of him and asking him to love her? When did all this get so complicated?

Maybe it always was. Maybe we anrt a new breed. Just the old one and a tad bit cold hearted. Or maybe more practical. Cause after all, we all have grow up, grow older, grown out. Oh! grown soo out of love. Love – seems like a feeling/expression/intoxication so extinct that it lives only in children’s fairy-tales now.

So maybe this is me asking, yes, for my fairy-tale and this is me wanting every bit of it. I don’t want no pain no more. I don’t want to take a bullet though my heart no more. I don’t want to live in a world without love no more. Even though, it means living in a children’s book, for the rest of my life. Atleast this way, instead of running around town like a headless chicken, trying to find my Mr. Right, I know I will find my Beast and live happily ever after…

THE END

Do what your Heart wants you to do

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Off lately I have met a lot of people who keep throwing this line around “do what you do best”. Other versions include, but are not limited to: “do what your heart wants you to do”, “take a break, smell the flowers, feel the sunshine on your skin”….

Now close your eyes, and think of these things – sunshine, flowers in a meadow, the warmness of the sea water, smell of freshly baked lemon cake… Im sure the visuals are as good as the sound of these things. Often in life, we are so bogged down with workload, personal stuff stresses us out and no points for guessing but most of the ‘stress’ around us often finds its core within us. I find it very ironical (now) that we need to take a break to relax and feel sane, be it for a short while. The rest of the time, we are all on the track running neck to neck with each other and trying to prove our worth in today’s world.

The last time I checked I was running too and for a split second I forgot about the race and felt the sunshine on my skin. The sweat bead sparkled in the newly found light and I stopped running. I noticed the sign behind one of the runners as they lunged forward and it read “eat my space dust”. what an amazing thought! If we all are to think the same way, then for sure, we all are heading the same way! yes, we are heading out into outer space… beyond the realms of sanity. I continued standing on the race track, alone, letting the sunshine engulf me and for the first time in a long time, the smell of wet mud hit me. It felt as if it had rained … indeed it did. Somewhere, I could hear the sprinkler doing its rounds of water. I smiled and realized how alone I was standing there on the tracks. There was no one around me. Just me and my thoughts. I smiled to my self. Something I thought I had forgotten to do.

I dont have a passion for anything in my life. There is nothing to look forward to in life.  I dont have to be somewhere where I dont want to be. I dont wake up to anything or anybody. There is this emptiness in and around me and it doesn’t bother me! Infact, now, I can listen better, I can think clearly. There isn’t anything that my heart wants me to do. But it did teach me to slow down or maybe stop once in a while and enjoy the scene. So now, Its just me and my thoughts.

P.S. and it feels great!

is Happyness overrated?!

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I once read these words

 She may have the most successful job, that may not necessarily be paramount ,however being happy and get along with me and family around me is very important.

and they make me think, how do I know when I’m happy?

Is it when I’m smiling and showing my ‘not so’ pearly white teeth? (well, atleast they arent yellow like a cow)

Or is it when I’m content? satisfied? achieved smthing in life?!

Or is it like the Raw Food movement? – no one understands what it really is, but everyone wants it! hmmm could be that. Otherwise there better be some damn good explanation why no one seems to digest happyness very well!

my side of the story: there isn’t a single person who can see you happy (expcept parents ofcourse, but thats a whole different angle, for a different day)

They ALL want you to BE happy, but just cannot see you in this state! Its like they got dust up their eyes, so they blow some (read a lot) of their dust (read dirt) in your direction. and oh! did i mention you are wearing Valentino?

And you must be wondering; what my point is?

My point is this: Sometimes its an emotinal Valentino, it makes you feel fabulous within, even thou u dont look so on the outside. but when the big crazy world comes attacking you, for something that makes you happy, you stop and wonder… Am I really Happy? or am I in a presumption that Im Happy? Coz the big crazy world that I do give a damn about thinks I have just commited a crime, or worse yet, purchased something fake!

Is happyness SO overrated, that I could be imagining to be happy?

And if I am truly Happy (and not just in my big air-head), then why is there such a big commotion outside my window?!