Apologies and something else …

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Erich Segal once wrote ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ yet, time and again, we keep apologizing to a loved one, for doing something stupid (that’s the term they use to describe emotions, now you should’ve known that already). I wish for Utopia (yes, I know that you know it already) where I could be me and you could be you and we could be together and watch the pink sky turn grey, walk the creek till the dawn breaks and throw nose clips from my balcony to let you know that I was up there. Fortunately (not!) we have watched the sky, never knew we’d watch it turn black, pitch black like the pullover you wore back in the days, when the sky was still a deep rose pink. Oh! I forget, you live in a real world, where each sunset is followed by a sunrise. And you forget, that I live in the reel world, where I pin your face to the moon and he follows me (it so does in the real world, too) to where ever Life leads … I wonder if the moon is following me? or am I chasing him? And this is where the whole confusion starts! Sitting on that secluded beach, a place where you walked before, I tried retracing my steps, hoping that they’d lead me to you, subconsciously, tracing them to my mistakes, the confusion evaporating, cruelty settling in (I see a cloud in the distance and as it pours over the Arabian Sea, I cry, hoping the wind drowns my howl, which starts as the rains hit the plastic roof ). A debate here a debate there, through my tears I try to reason; why Jay and Meera make a great love story, why I want to retract my steps to 200X and never let go of your hand. I feel cheated, by you, for not letting me on the happenings. Even though I could clearly see inside of you, I wish, oh! how I wish, you had the courage to tell me things, to my face. In my ear. On an email. I feel angry, yes, with you, for not being able to communicate. And with me, for not understanding, the man you were and will be in the future. Oh! I don’t, still. I do. I just don’t understand why you are so rigid? So unforgiving? Get over yourself Preppie. I’m not sorry for; trying to keep us together, to make you fight for me, or to tell you that I’ll always love you and not just be in love with you…

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